A Loss of Words

Life has changed everyone I know in so many different ways.  Marriage, divorces, elopements, etc... all part of life.

A broken heart is also part of life.  How many of those does one experience before really obtaining that satisfying happiness where the radiant moments of the sun's rays can brighten the soul and give  your eyes the sparkle of joy?

I have heard God is the solution to everything. And He is.  He is our creator and knows our hearts, yet I feel abandoned by such love where the emptiness is overflowing deep within me.  Marriage, such a complex term.  Yet in our culture today, it is a trend, a social acceptance, something we do to become part of that mass of that group and obtain that status.  Marriage, has lost it's true meaning of love, purity, unison, and above all the happiness implied to give unselfishly of your life to become ONE.

And so I take a deep breath to inhale a bit of fresh air, to give my lungs a reason to operate, to move within me, I breath to give my body a bit of life.  However, as I breath, it becomes heavy, hard to ingest... seems life is slowly deteriorating...

and here I am.  Slowly decaying from lack of love.  I was told marriage was for a life time, to grow old together, to care for one another until miserable death would pull our souls apart... and yet, here I am alone, in complete decay.  Feel as though life is over....where did the meaning of "till death do us part, in good and bad, sickness and in health....

Where did all go?

It is for sure a story to tell, a heart split. grieving, but not completely lost... Yes, there is a purpose of life and in my life, to gain freedom, to be radiant, and to be a woman. 

This is a goodbye eternally lost because of the lack of desire to want to be unselfish, to be giving and not just taking away... It is a good bye lost in the meaning of love... 

So I will grieve the loss of years of learning, but will smile to the new stages of a growing heart. 

*Written A while back...all while undergoing a moment of struggle.

Ongoing Struggle

Ongoing struggle

"...the sun dipped behind the clouds, rain followed, she sought for shelter finding only loneliness around her..."

I feel very lonely, pathetic..really...feels like I am at fault for something I have not done. My heart aches deeply, not for the loss but for a grief of feeling miserable. Unsure, insecurity has settled and here I am, struggling to fight back the tears of defeat.

I do not know how to explain it, it feels very deep and pressing on my chest, I want to cry but at the same time I want to simply stay quiet and not make a sound.... Like a baby deer when its scared for its life, just lay there hoping I will not be seen... Knowing there is danger but trusting all the powers of the universe and hoping that it..whatever "it" is...will all go past...

Yet, here I am, alone in a defiant world of blurriness and illusions of  a fake dream...who is this valiant man who dares step into the world of a wondering woman, whose only objective is to survive the broken illusion of her heart? And what objective is he trying to accomplish? What does that even mean? How to trust the unseen, how to allow the world into a heart that has been shattered and stepped on? It is a different world than it used to be. So many things are changing and with that is the process of restoring this phenomenal work of art.  The restoration process has began and it will take a bit of time to finally get it back to its natural beauty as before.

It is a bit scary when someone comes along to admire the inner beauty of your soul when all you have heard previously is the contrary.  It is a bit of a challenge to allow someone to come in and restore all that was left in total darkness. It feels a bit overwhelming to see someone so gentle, sweet, and so right want to be that hero and cure the scar inside of me.  Or at least to be a pillard of support. It is not that he may not have the right intentions, but it feels as though it is a world apart.  The truth of his inner being being so real and so faithful....it is a bit scary. I know God is behind me and I will allow Him to take control.

How do I allow this to grow? There is so much learning going on.  I have never been treated as a queen, much less taken into a world of such magnificent beauty.  Is this real? Should I trust my heart?

Lord, there is a lot in me screaming out, wanting to feel safe and secured, Lord, my heart is restless for many reasons I am unable to explain. The emotions of feeling guilty for Daniel's lack of or ability to keep life straight, for Franco, for everyone who never gave me a chance or gave Daniel and I a chance at happiness...

I come to think of it, I Was never happy...I was always seeking approval and defending myself... No one dared to care and he never cared to make me his priority, build a family, it was always "i get to miss out on everything bc of you!" It was always how boring I was or lame, stupid, and overly jealous. That's how I was seen. Insignificant. 

My heart is broken and I am undergoing a healing process. 

A constant Battle

When a battle breaks out, its normally when two parties or more disagree and cannot come to a consensus.

Life itself can be a battle on its own, choosing to do the right thing over going the oposite direction. When a choice is given, someone has to stop along the way and decide or engage into a debate...

I am in that debate right now. stuck at a point in life where I have no idea where to go, how to continue, and make some necessary changes. It has been a long road, I have felt it coming, I have dismissed the signals, crossed a few red lights, and yet here I am.

I feel as though i am a coward, lacking that womanhood of being that virtuous woman that proclaims herself the ultimate fight, I feel I have lost that courage somewhere in the battle.

Where's that spark of motivation?! Who stole those moments of my life that were so precious, the moments that meant more than any precious jewel?!? Who was the thief that caged my heart and stored it away, only to be hidden from the one wondering soul, my soul.

Its very hard to be faithful and honest to oneself, Especially for me, now.  I have always done what is best for everyone and everyone has never appreciated the sacrifices, instead they want more. Yet here I am, battling to be selfish for once and regain control of my own life.

How to break the chains that are holding me down? 

I know I have that "David" in me, somewhere, ready to fight the giant that is pressing on me. Just one problem, I am not as equally strong or brave.   

I have a deep desiree to be set free and never look back, make that decision or mistake, but grow as a woman and finally give back to me what is mine, my own dignity and self worth.  At times I do believe God planned it out very meticulously, left out the part of selfishness in me, arrogancy, and made me too compassionate and giving.  Often that can be my greatest torture. My sinful desire to always want to reward someone, sinful? maybe that is a poor choice of words. 

I know what I want, but getting there is tough, I have quite a few road blocks and a few stumbles to make. A few rivers to cross, and a few stones to turn. Sounds like a long way, but it really isn't, its a matter of perspective and attitude. Right now, my confidence is not 100% fully charged, but am working on it.  The batteries of my life have been drained, my love tank is empty, somewhere along the way someone forgot I too have desires necessities, dreams, passions, and goals to strive for. 

Me a perfect woman? Hardly, God created me just as I am, got to refine a few skills, guides, and find a true inspiration and of course locate that purpose that somehow got misplaced along the way, but yes, I had it once... And I will have it again. This battle within me, soon shall be over, and I will crown myself with true self worth and value the crown of freedom. To proclaim victory over these giants of deception and greed.

God was cautious when He built me, He knew very well I would be here and knew I would struggle some, but in the end He knows I will be well. While to most women the wealth of life and vanity of the world is most important: to have the looks, make up, a body, being well dressed and have their bank accounts secured, I work to establish my self worth and dignity far above any worldly creations. Sure money helps and all, but if that makes you un happy then you have nothing at all.

I want to smile, laugh, love and give of me from what God has given me, while also working hard to be a professional and make my living. I want to be a independent woman.
I have come a long way to stop and feel pity over myself and to grieve what has not been lost, but gained.

This is my battle, an emotional turmoil swirling around me...making me a woman, welcoming me into a new phase of life. Insecurities? sure I have them.  Will that hunt me down? Will I struggle?
I think I have been missing a lot of my life pretending to be someone I am not. I gave so much, invested so much, to get to this one stopping point: I have no reward.  Should I? No. I have failed to be true to myself and true to others. The love that once bloomed within me, slowly became a dying ember. The flower that once bloomed in precious exotic colors, faded.

Who have I been?

So here I am, allowing my heart to pour the bits and pieces of brokenness...know that I am faithful to my belief of survival, and God's eternal promise...He is with me.


[written a while back...]

Overcoming a Challenge

"Its suffocating me, it's tightening, its screaming to be set free..."

It is not easy to figure things out when you have a huge decision and you don't know what to do, much less alone.

I have been there and find myself in that spot. Struggling. Struggling through episodes of life where things seem endless and painful.  My heart is undergoing series of open heart surgeries: am bleeding internally and somehow I have mananged to keep composure. Everyone is oblivious to the fact or my self. Its as if being a complete invisible being, no one dares ask or say, perhaps they dont know what to say or simply ignore.  Truth is, I feel alone in a battle.

In a way, it is all ok.  I know that I do not need an army to help me, I jus need myself...just as David stood in front of Goliath, here I am.  Standing in front of that chapter of my life, that new challenge and adventure of walking life handicapped.  Never had I felt this alone in life. I do not wish to "complain," I do not need approval or anyone to agree with me, I just want someone to be truthful, honest and simply hold my hand. What is happening? a lot.  

I just need patience, guidance, and truthfulness!

Lately, my heart has sunken into the depth of the cold ocean floor.  Life is changing for the better, and life will get better. Meanwhile, I must undergo a series of trials and tests of faith.  I know things will brighten up and I will be lead to purity and will find peace within.

I can see the light, its coming, I am simply here absorbing the moments of life and praying for clarity, for purity, and for comfort.  I am not grieving a death, but rather healing a broken heart.  

A Messenger

"...and in silence I sat, feeling as the weight pressed on my shoulders..."

As I sat inside my car, I could do nothing more than sit back and feel as the tears came, washing my tired face and feeling as the weight pressed on my emotions. It was a moment of faith, a moment of endurance, to feel as betrayal wanted to settle, yet I knew and felt I was stronger. The tears had to roll, to vent and let them wash away any impossible thought out of my system. 

It felt as though slowly I could feel the weight lifting, I sat in silence and prayed. Mumbling the words as they made no sense, yet my heart needed to drop all I knew...at that moment in that parking lot alone, feeling as though nothing else mattered but my humble and impatient heart that cried out for a bit of light. There I sat, in my car, in my bubble not caring for who would see this tiresome girl cry. Instead I hoped they would only glance and keep going, maybe whisper a prayer of peace, but I wasn't sure...I did not pay attention to passer bys. 

It was a moment of humility, acceptance of my own self worth and acceptance of the changes that needed to come and need to take place. I felt that moment of peace and simply cried because I could not do anything else. 

Last year i was forcefully dismissed of a passion I had. It hurt, went through a series of changes of learning to walk alone and learnt to slowly regain that freedom and self confidence in doing something that was well worth. Spent a good bit of time searching for jobs, depressed, but did not sink in or give up. I knew there was something out there. I was blessed and given a good opportunity, I have learnt to revive my spirit... I made it through that stage.

Now I am facing a different type of challenge, one difficult to express and put into words. Sometimes, the changes must come and we have to bear the consequences with those challenges and obstacles. I am working hard not to fail. I know that regardless of what changes take place or what used to be, there is no time that can be said has been wasted. Each episode is a learning curve, I have grown to become a woman with a stronger heart, passion, virtue, and also a woman of truth and dignity. I have endured a lot and continue to feel those tests, yet I know God is teaching me how to love whole heartedly and passionately... 

This journey will take me through roads I have never walked, to experience many excitedly adventures, re-discovering what it feels like to be a woman and be valued. To learn to love myself and meet my own needs. I am my own lover and seek to fulfill my desires for God's adventures and  plans. 

So there I was, feeling the seasons of change and growth, a rejuvenating stage that has to undergoe multiple steps to flourish new and fresh.

In order to change I must be reborn of the spirit and learn to love again from step one and continue to embrace and love regardless of the many broken hearts. It is normal, and nothing is a waste of time... No time is lost... its a gain to feel as this heart gets molded into something new. 

"...I closed my eyes, and I felt you near, as you whispered .."you are beautiful inside and out...you are mine.."

"EYES OF A DREAMER"

"...her eyes were like an agata de fuego: brown almost golden eyes, sweet, delicate, and dreamy.."

Too often I have been asked: where are you from? That is the standard question, always love when people ask instead of assuming. However, the majority of the time I get the most intriguing of questions: are you Asian? Japanese? Philipine? Etc.. 

Its always fun and very entertaining when getting these very surprised individuals when they ask, they wait to hear the response as eagerly as if they were winning some big bucks! Ja!

My ultimate and most favorite episode happened when I used to work at Home Depot. A Chinese gentleman walks in, spends a good bit of time trying to communicate, sees me and his face lights up almost immediately: says, "you!" Pointing at me very excitedly as he makes his way towards me, continues to say, "YOU! chinese!" you Chinese!" 

Before I could even open my mouth to speak, he proceeds to talk to me in Chinese. I was flattered, yet confused I looked at him... Not giving me a chance to say a word he kept talking to me. 

I felt so bad and so terrified as this gentleman continued to speak and could not identify in my expression the fact I was not understanding a word he kept saying.  I grabbed his hand in a caring compassionate manner said I am not Chinese and tried in hand motions to expain I could not understand him. 

He could not believe it, refused to believe it! And he insisted I was Chinese. I began to say Spanish! Mexican!" Yes, I did admit to being Mexican as it was simply to explain! To ease the commotion I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, asked him to draw what he was looking for.

It was a humorous, yet heart felt moment. Its a strange feeling when you want to be helpful and want to understand everyone and every language, yet I was helpless. I learnt that day, that I am like a magnet to the diverse cultures, I love listening and hearing their languges, appreciate their beauty of culture and most importantly as human beings. Nothing brings me more satisfaction than to know I have somehow communicated in a way they (cultures), understand and make a positive acquaintance in the process.  

When someone looks at my eyes, its like they are trying to read what's in my head. Some people just stand there, you can almost see their brain wheels turning trying to be delicate and unoticed... Yet they get caught squinting and trying to figure it out.

When they learn I am Latina, they are shocked! Had a gentleman from Mexico one time mesmerized with the fact I spoke Spanish! He said, "wow! You Asians learn so fast and well!" I asked where he thought I was from...China he said.  So I recalled a few words I had learned and thanked him in chinese, told him I was from Shuangzi! Jajajja

Ah! I get good giggles when that happens. 

These eyes are eyes of a dreamer. Eyes that see far and deeper than the outer surface... These eyes, look into the beauty of an inner person and not the worldy and superficial shells of life.

I am blessed :)

And will continue to be amused andamuse  others:) 

The Universe is the Limit

Dare to dream, dream big. Admire the beauty of the stars, allow for tears to flow endlessly and don't be ashamed to taste the bitterness of failure at any one point. 

Serendipity, why? 

The sky is never the limit. There is more out there than we can see, there is a huge world of magic, there's room to fly and grow out there.

I want my wings back, I want to learn to fly high and have no fear of falling.  I want to be there... To be brave, to be a fighter.

I want to feel the rain dance on my face and caress my lips, mix with the rain and tears, feel as my mind and soul are set free. Serendipity, destiny? Coincidence?

Its one of those nights where life feels a bit stale. Am missing that sprinkle of fall, life, yearning to smell the oven filled with goodies...yet I sit in a couch embracing my pillows for support, hearing as the dog breathes by my feet and knowing he is a faithful confidant...

...the night is young, yet I am feeling a bit crippled and old... i would love to be out and Walk beneath the moon and stars ...a reason to be out... To feel as the evening sets its mystery of endless adventures... I want to explore the enchanted moments of purity, passion, and discoveries...

Yet I feel I am confined to a couch. Have zero motivation to get dressed and explore alone. I want to feel sexy and beautiful, wear my red dress and heals and head out into the darkness for a night's passionate revelation... To be that lone explorer... 

I want to shed the old me and become new.... Like a cicada... 

"...everything has a purpose...life, experiences, emotions... Lessons are learned..."