A Messenger

"...and in silence I sat, feeling as the weight pressed on my shoulders..."

As I sat inside my car, I could do nothing more than sit back and feel as the tears came, washing my tired face and feeling as the weight pressed on my emotions. It was a moment of faith, a moment of endurance, to feel as betrayal wanted to settle, yet I knew and felt I was stronger. The tears had to roll, to vent and let them wash away any impossible thought out of my system. 

It felt as though slowly I could feel the weight lifting, I sat in silence and prayed. Mumbling the words as they made no sense, yet my heart needed to drop all I knew...at that moment in that parking lot alone, feeling as though nothing else mattered but my humble and impatient heart that cried out for a bit of light. There I sat, in my car, in my bubble not caring for who would see this tiresome girl cry. Instead I hoped they would only glance and keep going, maybe whisper a prayer of peace, but I wasn't sure...I did not pay attention to passer bys. 

It was a moment of humility, acceptance of my own self worth and acceptance of the changes that needed to come and need to take place. I felt that moment of peace and simply cried because I could not do anything else. 

Last year i was forcefully dismissed of a passion I had. It hurt, went through a series of changes of learning to walk alone and learnt to slowly regain that freedom and self confidence in doing something that was well worth. Spent a good bit of time searching for jobs, depressed, but did not sink in or give up. I knew there was something out there. I was blessed and given a good opportunity, I have learnt to revive my spirit... I made it through that stage.

Now I am facing a different type of challenge, one difficult to express and put into words. Sometimes, the changes must come and we have to bear the consequences with those challenges and obstacles. I am working hard not to fail. I know that regardless of what changes take place or what used to be, there is no time that can be said has been wasted. Each episode is a learning curve, I have grown to become a woman with a stronger heart, passion, virtue, and also a woman of truth and dignity. I have endured a lot and continue to feel those tests, yet I know God is teaching me how to love whole heartedly and passionately... 

This journey will take me through roads I have never walked, to experience many excitedly adventures, re-discovering what it feels like to be a woman and be valued. To learn to love myself and meet my own needs. I am my own lover and seek to fulfill my desires for God's adventures and  plans. 

So there I was, feeling the seasons of change and growth, a rejuvenating stage that has to undergoe multiple steps to flourish new and fresh.

In order to change I must be reborn of the spirit and learn to love again from step one and continue to embrace and love regardless of the many broken hearts. It is normal, and nothing is a waste of time... No time is lost... its a gain to feel as this heart gets molded into something new. 

"...I closed my eyes, and I felt you near, as you whispered .."you are beautiful inside and out...you are mine.."

"EYES OF A DREAMER"

"...her eyes were like an agata de fuego: brown almost golden eyes, sweet, delicate, and dreamy.."

Too often I have been asked: where are you from? That is the standard question, always love when people ask instead of assuming. However, the majority of the time I get the most intriguing of questions: are you Asian? Japanese? Philipine? Etc.. 

Its always fun and very entertaining when getting these very surprised individuals when they ask, they wait to hear the response as eagerly as if they were winning some big bucks! Ja!

My ultimate and most favorite episode happened when I used to work at Home Depot. A Chinese gentleman walks in, spends a good bit of time trying to communicate, sees me and his face lights up almost immediately: says, "you!" Pointing at me very excitedly as he makes his way towards me, continues to say, "YOU! chinese!" you Chinese!" 

Before I could even open my mouth to speak, he proceeds to talk to me in Chinese. I was flattered, yet confused I looked at him... Not giving me a chance to say a word he kept talking to me. 

I felt so bad and so terrified as this gentleman continued to speak and could not identify in my expression the fact I was not understanding a word he kept saying.  I grabbed his hand in a caring compassionate manner said I am not Chinese and tried in hand motions to expain I could not understand him. 

He could not believe it, refused to believe it! And he insisted I was Chinese. I began to say Spanish! Mexican!" Yes, I did admit to being Mexican as it was simply to explain! To ease the commotion I grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, asked him to draw what he was looking for.

It was a humorous, yet heart felt moment. Its a strange feeling when you want to be helpful and want to understand everyone and every language, yet I was helpless. I learnt that day, that I am like a magnet to the diverse cultures, I love listening and hearing their languges, appreciate their beauty of culture and most importantly as human beings. Nothing brings me more satisfaction than to know I have somehow communicated in a way they (cultures), understand and make a positive acquaintance in the process.  

When someone looks at my eyes, its like they are trying to read what's in my head. Some people just stand there, you can almost see their brain wheels turning trying to be delicate and unoticed... Yet they get caught squinting and trying to figure it out.

When they learn I am Latina, they are shocked! Had a gentleman from Mexico one time mesmerized with the fact I spoke Spanish! He said, "wow! You Asians learn so fast and well!" I asked where he thought I was from...China he said.  So I recalled a few words I had learned and thanked him in chinese, told him I was from Shuangzi! Jajajja

Ah! I get good giggles when that happens. 

These eyes are eyes of a dreamer. Eyes that see far and deeper than the outer surface... These eyes, look into the beauty of an inner person and not the worldy and superficial shells of life.

I am blessed :)

And will continue to be amused andamuse  others:) 

The Universe is the Limit

Dare to dream, dream big. Admire the beauty of the stars, allow for tears to flow endlessly and don't be ashamed to taste the bitterness of failure at any one point. 

Serendipity, why? 

The sky is never the limit. There is more out there than we can see, there is a huge world of magic, there's room to fly and grow out there.

I want my wings back, I want to learn to fly high and have no fear of falling.  I want to be there... To be brave, to be a fighter.

I want to feel the rain dance on my face and caress my lips, mix with the rain and tears, feel as my mind and soul are set free. Serendipity, destiny? Coincidence?

Its one of those nights where life feels a bit stale. Am missing that sprinkle of fall, life, yearning to smell the oven filled with goodies...yet I sit in a couch embracing my pillows for support, hearing as the dog breathes by my feet and knowing he is a faithful confidant...

...the night is young, yet I am feeling a bit crippled and old... i would love to be out and Walk beneath the moon and stars ...a reason to be out... To feel as the evening sets its mystery of endless adventures... I want to explore the enchanted moments of purity, passion, and discoveries...

Yet I feel I am confined to a couch. Have zero motivation to get dressed and explore alone. I want to feel sexy and beautiful, wear my red dress and heals and head out into the darkness for a night's passionate revelation... To be that lone explorer... 

I want to shed the old me and become new.... Like a cicada... 

"...everything has a purpose...life, experiences, emotions... Lessons are learned..."