"SILENCE...i Kill u "

"Silence! "IIIIIII KILLLLL uuuuuuuuu" Says Achamed the Dead Terrorist from Jeff Dunnham.

Every day is a challenge in my life, a inner challenge to wake up and take ownership of my every day life.  To teach myself to be patient, to remind myself that "this too shall come to pass.."  it is easier said than done. 

Mornings for me are the most important. My soul craves the silence, craves the fresh start of the new day in complete reverence and ...silence....(sigh).  Most people whether they accept it or not, deep inside crave that very same thing: SILENCE. I have lost those rights long long ago...am now simply sighting back into time trying to bring back those days...

Oh ACHAMED....(the inexperienced suicide bomber...lol)

Here is my daily challenge: accepting that things are not what one wishes them to be.  That I have to become this numb being and ignore everything around me.  To try and try again and again to survive that very painful sound....why do I have such sensitive ears? If I am sleeping I hear the faintest sound coming across the house. 

Once, when I lived in Farmfield, I heard this faint noise...my heart grew excitedly..I knew what it was but was not willing to discover it.  I had heard the sound of a mouse crawling into something.  In deed, my ears were right.  Frightened to the sight of the hideous creature, I did what most would do in order to survive and avoid being kidnaped by such a monstrous, untouchable, most despised creature....it was worse than seeing a ghost! My heart froze in fear but had a determination to win this battle. 

Yes, I can hear what someone out side says even if  I am in an upstairs bedroom.  Somehow my ears pick up the faintest of sounds.  It can be good, or it can be bad.  It is good because I know and am able to identify trouble.  It is equally filled with disadvantage because that makes me a light sleeper...(except if I am super tired...beyond my own body's extent).

God knows I want to be straight up and speak my mind.  AGAIN, it is not yet time to do so.  He must direct my words and choose them wisely. 

And so, I leave it in your hands my Lord, that I can learn to smile all over again.  That my heart can experience the simple joy of laughing.  I have lost those expressions of a joyful me.  The lines of my face are lines expressing the neglect of laughter, they are of a cranky individual who continues to search for something meaningful in this life.  I am in that search.... 

"And her face became covered in lines of antiquity, of selfish needs, and simply of a life lost in this world of great turmoil....she was alone...."