FOREVER LOST - PERDIDA ETERNAMENTE

"Her heart stood still, motionless, waiting to be raptured and swept into a world of beauty, honesty, peace, and purest of joy..."


FOREVER LOST - PERDIDA ETERNAMENTE

It's 1st of December 2011, the beginning of the end of this year.  Seems too cliche to say that it was just Christmas was just yesterday! It is true however, seems things have gone by way too fast. 

Perhaps this is another one of those Christmas for me.  I am perhaps one of the most complex human beings you will ever meet...Christmas season brings me a cold feeling in my heart.  Seems that the Grinch tends to not only successfully steal my Christmas, but rather converts my heart into a cold slab of ice. 

Christmas long long long ago ended for me. If I look back in time, I can pin point that day, that era, that moment when Christmas ended...

It happened at midnight Christmas of 1994, when everyone went to sleep, alone I ran out side and began the ritual of a celebration of Christmas..poping the loudest of fireworks, lighting everything I could possibly burn, I ran left, right, left again over and over the front yard poping things and burning fireworks as fast as I could.  I thought that if our front yard had the most wrappers that perhaps that would mean were the best at poping the fireworks.

Alone, underneath the half moon way up high, I celebrated that Christmas....Alone I took on that challenge, listening all around me how many were lighting the fireworks.  The sound, the smell, the smoke floated everywhere, but I was too excited.  I did not care to be alone underneath the blanket of smoke and the danger of accidentally getting burn.  My heart was too excitedly hurrying, lining up the different fireworks.  All were lined up, small, big, small, big....until my basket was almsot empty....but there on the very end was the CYCLONE.

Yes, I had a fireworkd bigger than my own hands could wrap around.  It almost looked like an atomic bomb, so big, so dangerous! I was all excited and placed it on a far post near the house, right next to a light pole, and decided to set it off.  Without giving it much thought, I ran as fast as I could to seek shelter and hide.

Not fully realizing the force and power of the huge CYCLONE, I had set it on fire.  My ears were schocked, my heart paralyzed, it exploded so loudly as if it were a nuclear bomb, you could feel how the electro magnetic waves raised the very small hairs all over your body.  Not only did it scared me half to death, scared everyone and managed to break part of the light pole and our light cut off....

that was the last Christmas that I can remember where my heart was captured in time and everything was heavenly.  Where Christmas morning was not about the presents, but rather time to have a good breakfast, gather up all equipment to camp out all day at the beach... we would have rostiseri chicken on real charcoal, tamales of different kind, traditional christmas sandwiches....and we were all happy and satisfied.

Now Christmas here seems it is about the ornaments, the spending of tons of money in order to satisfy someone's "desires" not needs, and come to find out that it isn't enough....it is not about the love and affection of spending time together celebrating the birth of our Saviour, but rather a time to drain down all your savings and attempt to reconcile love and money on the artificial-materials of this world.

I am not sure how i could describe my feelings, however, I get very melancholy during the Christmas season. Perhaps that all might change once I have a kid.  In the mean time I continue to work on discovering what it is that makes me feel so sad during this time. 

Christmas somehow stayed behind me along everything else that I lost...somewhere along this life time I hope to recover some of what was taken from me. 

Perhaps my life is floating lamely on this world and I am stuck in my past, however, I am reviving those moments in order to find a meaning of what my experiences have been...to teach myself over and over that this life is not mine and that what I have lived is meant for someone to have a piece of knowledge about that character, that ME way back when. 

NOTE: Told you, I am a very COMPLEX person, perhaps to deep in thought....

"and so, her journey, her heart remain in the unknown, in a moment of reflection...waiting...waiting to discover the true meaning of what is happening all around her.."