Folly Beach

Folly Beach
1/23/11 - Maria

Thursday, December 11, 2014

A constant Battle

When a battle breaks out, its normally when two parties or more disagree and cannot come to a consensus.

Life itself can be a battle on its own, choosing to do the right thing over going the oposite direction. When a choice is given, someone has to stop along the way and decide or engage into a debate...

I am in that debate right now. stuck at a point in life where I have no idea where to go, how to continue, and make some necessary changes. It has been a long road, I have felt it coming, I have dismissed the signals, crossed a few red lights, and yet here I am.

I feel as though i am a coward, lacking that womanhood of being that virtuous woman that proclaims herself the ultimate fight, I feel I have lost that courage somewhere in the battle.

Where's that spark of motivation?! Who stole those moments of my life that were so precious, the moments that meant more than any precious jewel?!? Who was the thief that caged my heart and stored it away, only to be hidden from the one wondering soul, my soul.

Its very hard to be faithful and honest to oneself, Especially for me, now.  I have always done what is best for everyone and everyone has never appreciated the sacrifices, instead they want more. Yet here I am, battling to be selfish for once and regain control of my own life.
How to break the chains that are holding me down? 

I know I have that "David" in me, somewhere, ready to fight the giant that is pressing on me. Just one problem, I am not as equally strong or brave.   

I have a deep desiree to be set free and never look back, make that decision or mistake, but grow as a woman and finally give back to me what is mine, my own dignity and self worth.  At times I do believe God planned it out very meticulously, left out the part of selfishness in me, arrogancy, and made me too compassionate and giving.  Often that can be my greatest torture. My sinful desire to always want to reward someone, sinful? maybe that is a poor choice of words. 

I know what I want, but getting there is tough, I have quite a few road blocks and a few stumbles to make. A few rivers to cross, and a few stones to turn. Sounds like a long way, but it really isn't, its a matter of perspective and attitude. Right now, my confidence is not 100% fully charged, but am working on it.  The batteries of my life have been drained, my love tank is empty, somewhere along the way someone forgot I too have desires necessities, dreams, passions, and goals to strive for. 

Me a perfect woman? Hardly, God created me just as I am, got to refine a few skills, guides, and find a true inspiration and of course locate that purpose that somehow got misplaced along the way, but yes, I had it once... And I will have it again. This battle within me, soon shall be over, and I will crown myself with true self worth and value the crown of freedom. To proclaim victory over these giants of deception and greed.

God was cautious when He built me, He knew very well I would be here and knew I would struggle some, but in the end He knows I will be well. While to most women the wealth of life and vanity of the world is most important: to have the looks, make up, a body, being well dressed and have their bank accounts secured, I work to establish my self worth and dignity far above any worldly creations. Sure money helps and all, but if that makes you un happy then you have nothing at all.

I want to smile, laugh, love and give of me from what God has given me, while also working hard to be a professional and make my living. I want to be a independent woman.
I have come a long way to stop and feel pity over myself and to grieve what has not been lost, but gained.

This is my battle, an emotional turmoil swirling around me...making me a woman, welcoming me into a new phase of life. Insecurities? sure I have them.  Will that hunt me down? Will I struggle?
I think I have been missing a lot of my life pretending to be someone I am not. I gave so much, invested so much, to get to this one stopping point: I have no reward.  Should I? No. I have failed to be true to myself and true to others. The love that once bloomed within me, slowly became a dying ember. The flower that once bloomed in precious exotic colors, faded.

Who have I been?

So here I am, allowing my heart to pour the bits and pieces of brokenness...know that I am faithful to my belief of survival, and God's eternal promise...He is with me.


[written a while back...]

Overcoming a Challenge

"Its suffocating me, it's tightening, its screaming to be set free..."

It is not easy to figure things out when you have a huge decision and you don't know what to do, much less alone.

I have been there and find myself in that spot. Struggling. Struggling through episodes of life where things seem endless and painful.  My heart is undergoing series of open heart surgeries: am bleeding internally and somehow I have mananged to keep composure. Everyone is oblivious to the fact or my self. Its as if being a complete invisible being, no one dares ask or say, perhaps they dont know what to say or simply ignore.  Truth is, I feel alone in a battle.

In a way, it is all ok.  I know that I do not need an army to help me, I jus need myself...just as David stood in front of Goliath, here I am.  Standing in front of that chapter of my life, that new challenge and adventure of walking life handicapped.  Never had I felt this alone in life. I do not wish to "complain," I do not need approval or anyone to agree with me, I just want someone to be truthful, honest and simply hold my hand. What is happening? a lot.  

I just need patience, guidance, and truthfulness!

Lately, my heart has sunken into the depth of the cold ocean floor.  Life is changing for the better, and life will get better. Meanwhile, I must undergo a series of trials and tests of faith.  I know things will brighten up and I will be lead to purity and will find peace within.

I can see the light, its coming, I am simply here absorbing the moments of life and praying for clarity, for purity, and for comfort.  I am not grieving a death, but rather healing a broken heart.