"the heart aches so deeply...it seeks to enter the unknown world of knowledge and understanding...but it is lost....it is caugh in the darkness of this world, swept into the hole of despair....it attempts to be strong, but knows this is far greater power than it can control...and so it breaks...shatters into bits and pieces of despair....finding comfornt only in the tears shed..."
Today is a dreary kind of day...the sun rays have been reflected back into the thin air back into the atmoshpere and there is no glimpse of a better day. For now, the happy glittery person I am, I have retreated into a shadowy world of despair. I have lost my heart into the darkness wondering and questioning the very core of life's proceedings.
IT is a mournful day. Where the cries of my siblings ring through my ears fiercely and so desperately. More so today than any other day, my heart mourns in despair of the great sorrow of a loss of a human being. The loss of someone I knew yet, hardly got to explore life's adventures with him.
Papa Pedro has left this bitter world and is headed to a restful life far beyond our reach. We will continue to keep his memory, his presence within us, although hard to piece together as he distanced himself from many of us. Yet, magnificient is the love that we were given that regardless of what misfortunate events take place, we have that passion, that love to love others despite.
Papa Pedro, forgive me for missing out and not being there in the last 20years. Forgive me for I feel as though I was kidnapped from my home, from you, from those I love so dearly and am lost in a world of loneliness...it is what it is...I am few thousand miles away in a distant world where slowly I am consumed by my own struggles and consumed by the devouring mouths of work, responsabilities, and the so called reality of this country. The daily struggle to survive and accumulate money to yet further our lives...however, feels as though every bit you work, you work to pay everyone else...I am not living to live my life but rather sustaining that of others...
Papa Pedro...oh, Papa Pedro...I remember when you sat in that Hamaca..swinging back and forth, with your hat lowered to your head....as if shielding your face from the bombarding flies attempting to make their attack...and there you layed, with that cinturon (hip belt)...with your skin so perfectly tanned, you swinged back and forth...resting away the day's travel...but you came. You came to see us and you rested away the day's journey...you hardly talked, but your eyes gave you away...your look pondered in our anxious little hearts...our grandpa was around. You came and we were so grateful.
I remember your fine lines of age, the tainted hair of wisdom...the hands of hard working man. I can see you just sitting there, rubbing your hands together...seeing you stare directly out the door and enter the world of peace and eternity...you will be greatly missed by those who had an opportunity to meet you and by those who yearned for that moment to see you...to feel the warmth of your embrace....to hear you speak
You didn't stay long, you spend the night and left later the next day...we were just too excited to see you...you gave us lali-pops and a quater, it was enough for us to scream in such excitment...your presence was more than enough for us...not gifts were necessary...just you being there.
Oh, how the hearts are tearing and crashing at your loss...all those who have talked...gotten the detials of such event...of your grand exit of this world...from El Salvador to NY to Washington DC, Maryland, and SC to Costa Rica...we are all in this together...mourning you...your memory, your love....
Papa, I cannot ask you why you left, but rather wait on us there. Look after us... I will talk to God from here, please see if you can take a peek at heaven and send me a dream...whisper the comforting words our hearts need in this rough moment. I didn't get a chance to say good bye properly...papa, forgive me. I feel as though this distance was far greater than I can take hold off...it is and it is indeed frustrating having to fight constantly with money to make it happen...I cannot excuse myself...
I LOVE YOU - wherever you are..... 01/18/11 @ 2:27pm
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