The Finale

"...her fears were invaded by beauty, the darkness into joy, she was swept off her feet..."

It hit me! It was a cold dark night, filled with the stirrings of a struggling heart. The pain was intense, the blows of the heart were painful...is this it? I surrendered to the forces of grief and left everything under the cold cloudy night. Fell on my knees and was lost in a world of insecurities. The tears rolled passionately, the pain seemed to invade my every blood cell...and I collapsed. Felt as the giants poundered my heart, left, right... Until the last tear rolled down.

Suddenly I was feeling a force as if sorrounded by angels, embracing me, conforting me. I let go. I allowed the spirits of purity take over and soothe my pain away. 

I sat in the laundry room cold floor, feeling as the cold air from outside tried to touch me...For a moment I thought I had lost all hope. Yet, the positive love being poured on me told me different. 

It was there I closed my eyes and felt as the pain was eased. I survived the emotional death and here I am. Becoming new through the spirit.

Oh the love of my heart, the people that sorround me. God has been so good to me. Am so blessed to see the beauty reflected to my heart. 

Emotional Death

"...she closed her eyes, allowed for sleep to transport her to an eternal rest... She was emotionally gone..."

To die an emotional death is to be reborn and be created new. 

Any takers? Anyone?

Sure, I will be the first one to admit that when you die an emotional death you are born again, of the spirit. There is a rejuvenating process that undergoes just as anything that goes through the cycle of life. 

It is a great metaphor to consider, just as the bible teaches us to be born again. To be reborn of the spirit. 

An emotional death, I must break entirely to know what love is all about, to appreciate the lesson taught, to fully grasp the reality of my inner being. 

I have undergone that death, it is a painful moment. A stage of uncertainty, fears, and struggles of having a consistent self esteem. That insecurity of trusting the woman I am. 

It has been a long journey, walking through deserted roads filled with many obstacles. Needless, I have learned to walk upright and forward. Keeping my head high and not allowing the obstacles to shape me in any negative way.

It is a long process, it is hard and very difficult. 

Feeling very devalued, taken advantage of, and simply mocked. It will come to pass. I will be back to my normal self. 

Lord, I know I am not alone. Reading upon older journal entries I have discovered that I Was always being supportive and loving. It has besn difficult to witness how I gave so much and received so little. My eyes are finally open amd now I must work twice as hard to revive and resusitate my heart. 

Lord this is my heart, please come and help me be born again, to love and be the woman you have created me to be. 

A Loss of Words

Life has changed everyone I know in so many different ways.  Marriage, divorces, elopements, etc... all part of life.

A broken heart is also part of life.  How many of those does one experience before really obtaining that satisfying happiness where the radiant moments of the sun's rays can brighten the soul and give  your eyes the sparkle of joy?

I have heard God is the solution to everything. And He is.  He is our creator and knows our hearts, yet I feel abandoned by such love where the emptiness is overflowing deep within me.  Marriage, such a complex term.  Yet in our culture today, it is a trend, a social acceptance, something we do to become part of that mass of that group and obtain that status.  Marriage, has lost it's true meaning of love, purity, unison, and above all the happiness implied to give unselfishly of your life to become ONE.

And so I take a deep breath to inhale a bit of fresh air, to give my lungs a reason to operate, to move within me, I breath to give my body a bit of life.  However, as I breath, it becomes heavy, hard to ingest... seems life is slowly deteriorating...

and here I am.  Slowly decaying from lack of love.  I was told marriage was for a life time, to grow old together, to care for one another until miserable death would pull our souls apart... and yet, here I am alone, in complete decay.  Feel as though life is over....where did the meaning of "till death do us part, in good and bad, sickness and in health....

Where did all go?

It is for sure a story to tell, a heart split. grieving, but not completely lost... Yes, there is a purpose of life and in my life, to gain freedom, to be radiant, and to be a woman. 

This is a goodbye eternally lost because of the lack of desire to want to be unselfish, to be giving and not just taking away... It is a good bye lost in the meaning of love... 

So I will grieve the loss of years of learning, but will smile to the new stages of a growing heart. 

*Written A while back...all while undergoing a moment of struggle.

Ongoing Struggle

Ongoing struggle

"...the sun dipped behind the clouds, rain followed, she sought for shelter finding only loneliness around her..."

I feel very lonely, pathetic..really...feels like I am at fault for something I have not done. My heart aches deeply, not for the loss but for a grief of feeling miserable. Unsure, insecurity has settled and here I am, struggling to fight back the tears of defeat.

I do not know how to explain it, it feels very deep and pressing on my chest, I want to cry but at the same time I want to simply stay quiet and not make a sound.... Like a baby deer when its scared for its life, just lay there hoping I will not be seen... Knowing there is danger but trusting all the powers of the universe and hoping that it..whatever "it" is...will all go past...

Yet, here I am, alone in a defiant world of blurriness and illusions of  a fake dream...who is this valiant man who dares step into the world of a wondering woman, whose only objective is to survive the broken illusion of her heart? And what objective is he trying to accomplish? What does that even mean? How to trust the unseen, how to allow the world into a heart that has been shattered and stepped on? It is a different world than it used to be. So many things are changing and with that is the process of restoring this phenomenal work of art.  The restoration process has began and it will take a bit of time to finally get it back to its natural beauty as before.

It is a bit scary when someone comes along to admire the inner beauty of your soul when all you have heard previously is the contrary.  It is a bit of a challenge to allow someone to come in and restore all that was left in total darkness. It feels a bit overwhelming to see someone so gentle, sweet, and so right want to be that hero and cure the scar inside of me.  Or at least to be a pillard of support. It is not that he may not have the right intentions, but it feels as though it is a world apart.  The truth of his inner being being so real and so faithful....it is a bit scary. I know God is behind me and I will allow Him to take control.

How do I allow this to grow? There is so much learning going on.  I have never been treated as a queen, much less taken into a world of such magnificent beauty.  Is this real? Should I trust my heart?

Lord, there is a lot in me screaming out, wanting to feel safe and secured, Lord, my heart is restless for many reasons I am unable to explain. The emotions of feeling guilty for Daniel's lack of or ability to keep life straight, for Franco, for everyone who never gave me a chance or gave Daniel and I a chance at happiness...

I come to think of it, I Was never happy...I was always seeking approval and defending myself... No one dared to care and he never cared to make me his priority, build a family, it was always "i get to miss out on everything bc of you!" It was always how boring I was or lame, stupid, and overly jealous. That's how I was seen. Insignificant. 

My heart is broken and I am undergoing a healing process.