Ongoing struggle
"...the sun dipped behind the clouds, rain followed, she sought for shelter finding only loneliness around her..."
I feel very lonely, pathetic..really...feels like I am at fault for something I have not done. My heart aches deeply, not for the loss but for a grief of feeling miserable. Unsure, insecurity has settled and here I am, struggling to fight back the tears of defeat.
I do not know how to explain it, it feels very deep and pressing on my chest, I want to cry but at the same time I want to simply stay quiet and not make a sound.... Like a baby deer when its scared for its life, just lay there hoping I will not be seen... Knowing there is danger but trusting all the powers of the universe and hoping that it..whatever "it" is...will all go past...
Yet, here I am, alone in a defiant world of blurriness and illusions of a fake dream...who is this valiant man who dares step into the world of a wondering woman, whose only objective is to survive the broken illusion of her heart? And what objective is he trying to accomplish? What does that even mean? How to trust the unseen, how to allow the world into a heart that has been shattered and stepped on? It is a different world than it used to be. So many things are changing and with that is the process of restoring this phenomenal work of art. The restoration process has began and it will take a bit of time to finally get it back to its natural beauty as before.
It is a bit scary when someone comes along to admire the inner beauty of your soul when all you have heard previously is the contrary. It is a bit of a challenge to allow someone to come in and restore all that was left in total darkness. It feels a bit overwhelming to see someone so gentle, sweet, and so right want to be that hero and cure the scar inside of me. Or at least to be a pillard of support. It is not that he may not have the right intentions, but it feels as though it is a world apart. The truth of his inner being being so real and so faithful....it is a bit scary. I know God is behind me and I will allow Him to take control.
How do I allow this to grow? There is so much learning going on. I have never been treated as a queen, much less taken into a world of such magnificent beauty. Is this real? Should I trust my heart?
It is a bit scary when someone comes along to admire the inner beauty of your soul when all you have heard previously is the contrary. It is a bit of a challenge to allow someone to come in and restore all that was left in total darkness. It feels a bit overwhelming to see someone so gentle, sweet, and so right want to be that hero and cure the scar inside of me. Or at least to be a pillard of support. It is not that he may not have the right intentions, but it feels as though it is a world apart. The truth of his inner being being so real and so faithful....it is a bit scary. I know God is behind me and I will allow Him to take control.
How do I allow this to grow? There is so much learning going on. I have never been treated as a queen, much less taken into a world of such magnificent beauty. Is this real? Should I trust my heart?
Lord, there is a lot in me screaming out, wanting to feel safe and secured, Lord, my heart is restless for many reasons I am unable to explain. The emotions of feeling guilty for Daniel's lack of or ability to keep life straight, for Franco, for everyone who never gave me a chance or gave Daniel and I a chance at happiness...
I come to think of it, I Was never happy...I was always seeking approval and defending myself... No one dared to care and he never cared to make me his priority, build a family, it was always "i get to miss out on everything bc of you!" It was always how boring I was or lame, stupid, and overly jealous. That's how I was seen. Insignificant.
My heart is broken and I am undergoing a healing process.
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