"A long Awaited Journey"

" And I stood as high on that hill, next to that tree, gazing as the sun began to melt the snow around the fields, listening as the Canadian geese flocked into a nearby pond that was also frozen all around except for the middle part of it.  I looked back and saw in the distance the beauty that sourrounds me, the fields that soon will be green and growing all sorts of crops. I took a deep breath of amazement, surprised at how life has turned in a way in my favor to reveal its beauty and love. All this beauty, hills, forrests, ponds, and the smell of fresh air. There I sat, quietly on that rock next to the barb wire fence  reminiscing on old days. Touching that barb wire transported my present to a frozen moment in time, it took me back to many years of my youth. Memories rushed upon me, the feelings as though I belonged there. Dismissing almost immediately, I gazed into the distance seeing as life slowly returned to these frozen areas.  The barb wire, it was my portal to the time, the essence of what crafted my strenght.

Life is now different. I am captivated, enchanted by this new environment. Could I adapt and make it my home? Is it daydreaming? At times I identify with Anne of Green Gables, lustfully and wishfully thinking on wonderful adventures, of fields of energy and exploration, and of sun bathed evenings swapping away at critters as I sit on the back porch. 

Only God knows what the future holds, He is in control. I am a traveler, a passerby, exploring the world looking for my nest. Meanwhile, it is was my temporary stay...as the sun warmed my cold cheeks, I know I must return, go back into my daily routines. It was a perfect moment, to sit on that cold rock and feel as the years have wrapped around me the beauty of life. To k ow that regardless of what difficulties are experienced, none break me to the point of perdition, but rather increases my faith, perseverance, and passion to be a better woman....a woman of virtue, truth, morals, and imperfections - yes they are my pefect balance of who I am, my motivation to be a better person. 

Where? What? How have I missed out on being at such glorious place? It has been a chaotic world, a chaotic life. This is my new beginning and do what? It is God's plan, I am trying to work extra hard to be that woman of excellence, be strong, and love wholeheartedly. 

"Looking back - a brief introduction into the world of Vet work..."

That is right, a few weeks back I had the privilege, the honor really to admire first hand the art, passion, and hard work of a Veterinarian. More especifically a horse veterinarian. I am now more appreciative of the talent, the hard work that it is to take care of the beautiful creatures, the horses that bring so much peace and can be as equally fierce. 

I am at a loss for words, Hands down I praise this man for all he does! I worked some, learning the trade, getting my share of filth and walked among horses. I froze some, but I did not care, I wanted to see the amazing skilled hands that meticulously worked on repairing or finding a solution to a patient, a horse.

Walked in muddy fields, observed and helped as we pulled a horse that had accidentally fallen on its side and could not get up. We flipped her over, but it was too late, she was too weak to continue to fight for her life. I felt sad, yet I knew she needed her rest. She was put to sleep. It was also amazing to see that all the horses, about 20 of them, came across the field and kissed on her their last goobyes. I am no expert, but that goes to show that these creatures have feelings, compassion, love and respect for one another. They are beautiful. Needless to say, while they all walked over, I slowly backed away. Let's just say I have not been exposed to as many horses like that and I do admire and reapect their nature. 

What's next on the list? How about witnesing the birth of a baby calf? Yes, if I had not seen anything by that point, I saw it all and I lost it all. Well in a way. It was incredible yet terribly disgusting at the same time. My stomach cannot handle all that! Needless, it was quite the expeience. 

My favorite part was when the Doc drew blood from baby colts:) they were so beautiful! The most amazing little creatures ever! How could I not fall in love?

Again, as an outsider looking into this profession and getting the mild introduction of a Veterinarian's world, I have to be honest...I admire all the more the strength, passion, dedication, and love that is required! Not to mention having a clear mind and continued education!

This doc, is amazing! Incredible! I do not mind getting dirty, pulling the weight, digging around and or working at the farm, but doing vet work and seeing the gruesome cuts or accidents on the horses, nope...my stomach cant handle it. Hands down to the Man! The DOC! 

 

"I have set sail on a new journey...my heart, mind, soul are in a new stage of appreciation being filled with endless adventures, love, kindness, and admiration"

The Finale

"...her fears were invaded by beauty, the darkness into joy, she was swept off her feet..."

It hit me! It was a cold dark night, filled with the stirrings of a struggling heart. The pain was intense, the blows of the heart were painful...is this it? I surrendered to the forces of grief and left everything under the cold cloudy night. Fell on my knees and was lost in a world of insecurities. The tears rolled passionately, the pain seemed to invade my every blood cell...and I collapsed. Felt as the giants poundered my heart, left, right... Until the last tear rolled down.

Suddenly I was feeling a force as if sorrounded by angels, embracing me, conforting me. I let go. I allowed the spirits of purity take over and soothe my pain away. 

I sat in the laundry room cold floor, feeling as the cold air from outside tried to touch me...For a moment I thought I had lost all hope. Yet, the positive love being poured on me told me different. 

It was there I closed my eyes and felt as the pain was eased. I survived the emotional death and here I am. Becoming new through the spirit.

Oh the love of my heart, the people that sorround me. God has been so good to me. Am so blessed to see the beauty reflected to my heart. 

Emotional Death

"...she closed her eyes, allowed for sleep to transport her to an eternal rest... She was emotionally gone..."

To die an emotional death is to be reborn and be created new. 

Any takers? Anyone?

Sure, I will be the first one to admit that when you die an emotional death you are born again, of the spirit. There is a rejuvenating process that undergoes just as anything that goes through the cycle of life. 

It is a great metaphor to consider, just as the bible teaches us to be born again. To be reborn of the spirit. 

An emotional death, I must break entirely to know what love is all about, to appreciate the lesson taught, to fully grasp the reality of my inner being. 

I have undergone that death, it is a painful moment. A stage of uncertainty, fears, and struggles of having a consistent self esteem. That insecurity of trusting the woman I am. 

It has been a long journey, walking through deserted roads filled with many obstacles. Needless, I have learned to walk upright and forward. Keeping my head high and not allowing the obstacles to shape me in any negative way.

It is a long process, it is hard and very difficult. 

Feeling very devalued, taken advantage of, and simply mocked. It will come to pass. I will be back to my normal self. 

Lord, I know I am not alone. Reading upon older journal entries I have discovered that I Was always being supportive and loving. It has besn difficult to witness how I gave so much and received so little. My eyes are finally open amd now I must work twice as hard to revive and resusitate my heart. 

Lord this is my heart, please come and help me be born again, to love and be the woman you have created me to be. 

A Loss of Words

Life has changed everyone I know in so many different ways.  Marriage, divorces, elopements, etc... all part of life.

A broken heart is also part of life.  How many of those does one experience before really obtaining that satisfying happiness where the radiant moments of the sun's rays can brighten the soul and give  your eyes the sparkle of joy?

I have heard God is the solution to everything. And He is.  He is our creator and knows our hearts, yet I feel abandoned by such love where the emptiness is overflowing deep within me.  Marriage, such a complex term.  Yet in our culture today, it is a trend, a social acceptance, something we do to become part of that mass of that group and obtain that status.  Marriage, has lost it's true meaning of love, purity, unison, and above all the happiness implied to give unselfishly of your life to become ONE.

And so I take a deep breath to inhale a bit of fresh air, to give my lungs a reason to operate, to move within me, I breath to give my body a bit of life.  However, as I breath, it becomes heavy, hard to ingest... seems life is slowly deteriorating...

and here I am.  Slowly decaying from lack of love.  I was told marriage was for a life time, to grow old together, to care for one another until miserable death would pull our souls apart... and yet, here I am alone, in complete decay.  Feel as though life is over....where did the meaning of "till death do us part, in good and bad, sickness and in health....

Where did all go?

It is for sure a story to tell, a heart split. grieving, but not completely lost... Yes, there is a purpose of life and in my life, to gain freedom, to be radiant, and to be a woman. 

This is a goodbye eternally lost because of the lack of desire to want to be unselfish, to be giving and not just taking away... It is a good bye lost in the meaning of love... 

So I will grieve the loss of years of learning, but will smile to the new stages of a growing heart. 

*Written A while back...all while undergoing a moment of struggle.

Ongoing Struggle

Ongoing struggle

"...the sun dipped behind the clouds, rain followed, she sought for shelter finding only loneliness around her..."

I feel very lonely, pathetic..really...feels like I am at fault for something I have not done. My heart aches deeply, not for the loss but for a grief of feeling miserable. Unsure, insecurity has settled and here I am, struggling to fight back the tears of defeat.

I do not know how to explain it, it feels very deep and pressing on my chest, I want to cry but at the same time I want to simply stay quiet and not make a sound.... Like a baby deer when its scared for its life, just lay there hoping I will not be seen... Knowing there is danger but trusting all the powers of the universe and hoping that it..whatever "it" is...will all go past...

Yet, here I am, alone in a defiant world of blurriness and illusions of  a fake dream...who is this valiant man who dares step into the world of a wondering woman, whose only objective is to survive the broken illusion of her heart? And what objective is he trying to accomplish? What does that even mean? How to trust the unseen, how to allow the world into a heart that has been shattered and stepped on? It is a different world than it used to be. So many things are changing and with that is the process of restoring this phenomenal work of art.  The restoration process has began and it will take a bit of time to finally get it back to its natural beauty as before.

It is a bit scary when someone comes along to admire the inner beauty of your soul when all you have heard previously is the contrary.  It is a bit of a challenge to allow someone to come in and restore all that was left in total darkness. It feels a bit overwhelming to see someone so gentle, sweet, and so right want to be that hero and cure the scar inside of me.  Or at least to be a pillard of support. It is not that he may not have the right intentions, but it feels as though it is a world apart.  The truth of his inner being being so real and so faithful....it is a bit scary. I know God is behind me and I will allow Him to take control.

How do I allow this to grow? There is so much learning going on.  I have never been treated as a queen, much less taken into a world of such magnificent beauty.  Is this real? Should I trust my heart?

Lord, there is a lot in me screaming out, wanting to feel safe and secured, Lord, my heart is restless for many reasons I am unable to explain. The emotions of feeling guilty for Daniel's lack of or ability to keep life straight, for Franco, for everyone who never gave me a chance or gave Daniel and I a chance at happiness...

I come to think of it, I Was never happy...I was always seeking approval and defending myself... No one dared to care and he never cared to make me his priority, build a family, it was always "i get to miss out on everything bc of you!" It was always how boring I was or lame, stupid, and overly jealous. That's how I was seen. Insignificant. 

My heart is broken and I am undergoing a healing process. 

A constant Battle

When a battle breaks out, its normally when two parties or more disagree and cannot come to a consensus.

Life itself can be a battle on its own, choosing to do the right thing over going the oposite direction. When a choice is given, someone has to stop along the way and decide or engage into a debate...

I am in that debate right now. stuck at a point in life where I have no idea where to go, how to continue, and make some necessary changes. It has been a long road, I have felt it coming, I have dismissed the signals, crossed a few red lights, and yet here I am.

I feel as though i am a coward, lacking that womanhood of being that virtuous woman that proclaims herself the ultimate fight, I feel I have lost that courage somewhere in the battle.

Where's that spark of motivation?! Who stole those moments of my life that were so precious, the moments that meant more than any precious jewel?!? Who was the thief that caged my heart and stored it away, only to be hidden from the one wondering soul, my soul.

Its very hard to be faithful and honest to oneself, Especially for me, now.  I have always done what is best for everyone and everyone has never appreciated the sacrifices, instead they want more. Yet here I am, battling to be selfish for once and regain control of my own life.

How to break the chains that are holding me down? 

I know I have that "David" in me, somewhere, ready to fight the giant that is pressing on me. Just one problem, I am not as equally strong or brave.   

I have a deep desiree to be set free and never look back, make that decision or mistake, but grow as a woman and finally give back to me what is mine, my own dignity and self worth.  At times I do believe God planned it out very meticulously, left out the part of selfishness in me, arrogancy, and made me too compassionate and giving.  Often that can be my greatest torture. My sinful desire to always want to reward someone, sinful? maybe that is a poor choice of words. 

I know what I want, but getting there is tough, I have quite a few road blocks and a few stumbles to make. A few rivers to cross, and a few stones to turn. Sounds like a long way, but it really isn't, its a matter of perspective and attitude. Right now, my confidence is not 100% fully charged, but am working on it.  The batteries of my life have been drained, my love tank is empty, somewhere along the way someone forgot I too have desires necessities, dreams, passions, and goals to strive for. 

Me a perfect woman? Hardly, God created me just as I am, got to refine a few skills, guides, and find a true inspiration and of course locate that purpose that somehow got misplaced along the way, but yes, I had it once... And I will have it again. This battle within me, soon shall be over, and I will crown myself with true self worth and value the crown of freedom. To proclaim victory over these giants of deception and greed.

God was cautious when He built me, He knew very well I would be here and knew I would struggle some, but in the end He knows I will be well. While to most women the wealth of life and vanity of the world is most important: to have the looks, make up, a body, being well dressed and have their bank accounts secured, I work to establish my self worth and dignity far above any worldly creations. Sure money helps and all, but if that makes you un happy then you have nothing at all.

I want to smile, laugh, love and give of me from what God has given me, while also working hard to be a professional and make my living. I want to be a independent woman.
I have come a long way to stop and feel pity over myself and to grieve what has not been lost, but gained.

This is my battle, an emotional turmoil swirling around me...making me a woman, welcoming me into a new phase of life. Insecurities? sure I have them.  Will that hunt me down? Will I struggle?
I think I have been missing a lot of my life pretending to be someone I am not. I gave so much, invested so much, to get to this one stopping point: I have no reward.  Should I? No. I have failed to be true to myself and true to others. The love that once bloomed within me, slowly became a dying ember. The flower that once bloomed in precious exotic colors, faded.

Who have I been?

So here I am, allowing my heart to pour the bits and pieces of brokenness...know that I am faithful to my belief of survival, and God's eternal promise...He is with me.


[written a while back...]

Overcoming a Challenge

"Its suffocating me, it's tightening, its screaming to be set free..."

It is not easy to figure things out when you have a huge decision and you don't know what to do, much less alone.

I have been there and find myself in that spot. Struggling. Struggling through episodes of life where things seem endless and painful.  My heart is undergoing series of open heart surgeries: am bleeding internally and somehow I have mananged to keep composure. Everyone is oblivious to the fact or my self. Its as if being a complete invisible being, no one dares ask or say, perhaps they dont know what to say or simply ignore.  Truth is, I feel alone in a battle.

In a way, it is all ok.  I know that I do not need an army to help me, I jus need myself...just as David stood in front of Goliath, here I am.  Standing in front of that chapter of my life, that new challenge and adventure of walking life handicapped.  Never had I felt this alone in life. I do not wish to "complain," I do not need approval or anyone to agree with me, I just want someone to be truthful, honest and simply hold my hand. What is happening? a lot.  

I just need patience, guidance, and truthfulness!

Lately, my heart has sunken into the depth of the cold ocean floor.  Life is changing for the better, and life will get better. Meanwhile, I must undergo a series of trials and tests of faith.  I know things will brighten up and I will be lead to purity and will find peace within.

I can see the light, its coming, I am simply here absorbing the moments of life and praying for clarity, for purity, and for comfort.  I am not grieving a death, but rather healing a broken heart.